Suicide in United States is ranked 3rd for young people aged 15-19. There is one suicide every 15.2 minutes.This week is National Suicide Prevention and I am a suicide survivor. In honor of this week I have decided to tell my testimony to encourage someone who may be feeling like there is no hope in life I want to let you know that God has you here for a purpose and for a reason. I pray that you are inspired by an testimony and that you chose to live and not die!
I am 34 years old I was raised in the Bronx. I received my Bachelors degree from Binghamton University and my Masters degree from New York University. Growing up I lived with my mom who was an alcoholic she died when I was six years old from a blood transfusion where she contracted AIDS. After my mom died I lived with my grandmother but I had a hard time adjusting to life I believed I was the reason my mother died and if I was never born she would have lived.
Junior high school was not a good place for me I saw nothing good for myself while some young girls wake up saying I am pretty I woke up would look in the mirror and say I am ugly, skinny, worthless I wrote hate letters to myself reminding myself of who I was not.
In High School, my self-esteem plummeted and I thought nothing of myself. I was ugly and skinny. I covered myself in the summer with jackets and searched for love in the wrong places with boys. I overdosed on pills and ended up in the hospital at the same time I made my self-worth my school work which I excelled with A’s and B’s if I received a C I would starve myself until I did better. I became obsessed with studying to the point I had to take an EKG because I started shaking and the diagnosis was that I was overworking my brain and if I don’t stop I will cause brain trauma.
In college, even though I was excelling with a 3.4 average, I had a very hard time with suicide, promiscuity and pride. I believed that it was my parents responsibility to help me and on one else’s so I would suffer as a payback to God and my parents for leaving me by myself.I remember I didn’t have money to order Chinese food I was hungry because my meal plan ran out.They asked me if I was hungry and I said no. What pride did to me was hold me back from asking for help. When everyone was done with their food and with everyone gone, I went into the kitchen and dug into the garbage to get the food and eat it.As I was eating the leftover food I thought to myself no one will know about my problems. I also had a hard time with suicide and I thought about suicide a lot and I thought about committing suicide several times but God had a different plan for my life.
My last attempt was in graduate school I got baptized for I loved God and I understood his power but yet I was still struggling with suicide my boyfriend now husband had no way of being able to reach out to help me all he knew was that he loved me and wanted to see me overcome this. I started to feel a disconnection in church I felt that no one was going through anything close to what I was going through so I felt even more alienated and lost. One night me and my boyfriend were walking to my college dorm and something told me to run in the street with oncoming traffic and I started to run into the street and my boyfriend pulled me and said what is wrong with you I love you but you have to stop behaving like this. I was embarrassed and ashamed as I walked back to my dorm alone. I went upstairs to my room on the 13th floor I looked out of the window and as I looked down it seemed like if I jumped I would not get hurt as I stepped off of the ledge I heard a voice say STOP! I listened to the voice and I came down I went down on my knees and cried out to God to help me because I can’t take this anymore from that moment I never wanted to commit suicide again.
Satan used so many tricks and devices to get me to the place of anger, depression, suicide, low self-esteem.
[bctt tweet=”Satan will take a negative situation and make it more negative but God will take a negative situation and turn it around for your good. “]
God has called all of us to be saved he loves his children. The issue that is holding you back is also stopping your relationship with Christ. God wants you to be happy, prosperous, joyful, contentious, and most importantly he want you to feel loved. I thank God for restoration everything I said I want God said you are. I learned that God does not make mistakes his promises are true and just. Our flesh cannot see past the pain but if we remember God’s word we will live victoriously.